a k r a s i a
I have eaten 8,587 calories today.
K. Would love to say “never again” because that’s how I feel, but lord knows its going to happen again, just hopefully not in the near future.
April 2012
12 posts
Didn't go to the gym. Ordered two large pizzas. Ate both in about 10 minutes. Purged. Painful as hell, and I know I didn't get it all up. My head is killing me. I'm not leaving the house. I hate my life.
Please let this stop.
:(
Came home to two boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts. In and out they went. My heart is beating very hard. My hand and arm are spasming a little. Tired. Going to take a nap, then go to the gym and try to burn 2,000 calories.
I want to get a job at the gym, I am here 3/4 of my life anyway may as well get paid for it.
Either that or at some really fatty food place so I can watch people eat.
Play
1:47
Spend all money on food. Binge. Purge. Cry. Cry some more. Crying my eyes out. No reason for living. Kill yourself. No, binge instead. Binge some more. Purge. Cry. Still crying.
Anndddd….a-binge.
I've lived here 15 out of my 19 years of life. It's going to be so hard to say goodbye to this place. I knew I would have to move soon, but I thought my family would still live here, so I could come back and feel normal again. Uprooting everything, 15 years worth of stuff, memories, both good and bad...just scary. I don't like this at all. I'm stressed at all times, I have finals coming up, nothing will be the same. I can't invite my friends over for coffee anymore, or run to the farmer's market or to the dollar store, I won't live across the street from that cute park anymore, the school I went to from 3rd to 6th grade, all my neighbors that have seen me grow up...I don't even know. I haven't felt this out of control in a long time. Today, I ate more than I wanted, I felt full, waited, didn't digest quickly enough so two hours later, after hearing that the eviction was final, I threw up just to get it out so I could exercise. And I felt normal afterward, like nothing had happened. Like everything was okay. These are the times that eating issues get a lot worse, and I honestly do not see anything getting better for a very long time.
Oh god. I really don’t know what to do.
Evicted.
I have to move in 2 weeks. Live away from family, on my own. I might get a job at Old Navy, I’m so stressed, my whole life is changing and it is out of my hands, I feel so out of control, I can just see everything getting much, much worse. :( Kill me now.
I've been in the negative every day this week, and lost minimal amounts of weight. I am eating like 1200+ calories (not on purpose, just binging a lot) and exercising it all off, and nothing. I'm so upset.
Destined to be a big, fat, tub o’ goo.
I hate myself.
I just woke up, and it’s just one of those days. I want to leave my house but I don’t want to be seen. I am craving some cardio right now but my body hurts so much I can barely plank for a minute and a half. I look at how gross my body is, and I just want to abuse it until it dies. I HATE that I work out and I don’t look like it. I honestly look like I just sit around all day eating cream puffs. Part of me just wants to have coffee, maybe some lettuce, green tea, call it a day. The other part of me wants to head to the French Bakery, pick up some eclairs, pain au chocolate, a little baguette, maybe a full sized tart, eat it all, throw it up, call it a day. Guess which part is going to win? Riveting, I know.
Weird night.
Feel guilty.
Looked through some ED Recovery books at Barnes & Noble.
Started talking about food.
Food.
FOOD.
FOOD IS SO GOOD FOOD IS GOD FOOD FOOD FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.
Found out Krispy Kreme throws out good donuts at midnight. Go looking for other restaurants that do this until midnight, so as to find free binge food. Found 3 pizzas at Little Caesar’s, but they have meat on them and look disgusting, but haven’t been touched.
Wait outside Krispy Kreme.
Look.
Bag of donuts, not boxed, can’t reach them.
End up buying (well I didn’t buy it but I feel bad for eating two of them, need to pay her back) a dozen and a half.
For 3 people.
That’s 6 each.
I could have eaten all of them. But that would be embarrassing.
She gets diet coke from the car. Good I guess it helps lubricate things.
Tense air, because we all know that we have an issue and 2/3-3/3 of us will go home and purge tonight.
I feel guilty.
Not going to lie, it was fun, but I feel guilty.
