I've Had The Worst Day Ever
I sat in front of the mirror for 3 hours last night just crying and picking myself apart. I really do hate myself. It continued on today, so I decided to talk to my boyfriend about it.
I found a picture where my face and body just look HUGE but I am the same weight as I am now, and showed it to my boyfriend to see if I still looked like that. He said no, and that I must have gained muscle and lost some fat. So I decided to go looking for the pants I was wearing in that picture. I couldn’t even fit them on. They were too small. They wouldn’t even close. Needless to say, my day was ruined.
So I called my boyfriend again, and he gave me a whole talk about how I should “brush my teeth” when I feel a binge coming on, or go work out instead of worrying so much. I work out a lot, and the teeth brushing is a SUPER sketchy pro-ana type trick so I don’t know why he would want me to do that.
Then he said something about how I don’t need to be binging and purging, and I mentioned that I hadn’t purged for a while now, but I had binged. I thought maybe he’d be proud of me, for being able to swallow my pride and my problems and try to do what was best for me, but all he said was “well if you’re not purging you don’t need to be binging, because it’s not leveling out.”
So I guess I should just give into my purging itch, as I’ve had it for the last 3 weeks. Hey, I thought I was being strong by actively ignoring it, but, apparently not.
The only conclusion I can come to is that he thinks I am very fat and wants me to lose the weight by whatever means is possible. Today I drank limeade, and my calorie count is about 500, factoring in the maple syrup and things. I feel horrible. I have done 15 minutes of jumproping, and I plan on doing more later and trying to get to bed early so I won’t be tempted to eat anything.
It just sucks that he thinks I need to lose 15 lbs.
I wish he would have told me that I was perfect the way I was, even if it isn’t true. But at least I’m motivated again, right? Yeah.
I want to starve and starve and starve, and work out and work out , and work out some more until I lose ALL this weight and you can see my ribs again, and my hip bones again and my legs don’t touch. Maybe then he’ll realize that I have a problem.
