No one is listening to me, no one cares, so I'm going to write...
It just seems like everything is really out of my control right now. Ever since finding out about the crisis in Libya, I’ve been really really depressed. And it’s worse than the depression where you’re feeling sorry about yourself and wishing someone would care, because you feel helpless. I did not sleep last night. I stayed up crying and praying and asking God why He does the things He does. Questioning everything. Trying to figure out what I can do to help the situation. Instead of making all my problems seem smaller, it almost magnified them. It made me feel like ‘I can’t do anything about that carnage, and I also can’t do anything about my internal pain.”
I cut, I cried. Cut and cried the whole night. I wrote my boyfriend an email trying to explain how I felt for the last time, hoping that he might read it and at least try to understand. If not understand, at least sympathize, help me feel loved so that I can get that much closer to ever loving myself. But he “skimmed it” because “it was long” and was “too tired and stressed to respond”. I told him I was angry with him, and his solution was to ignore me. I still haven’t heard from him, it’s been 3 hours since he last texted me “I care about you as much as you care about me”. So now my character gets called into question. I don’t feel like he cares for me at all so I guess that I don’t care about him either. The one and only person I have ever loved in this world, I don’t care about. What’s the point then? Of anything? I thought I cared. I thought me asking him to stop smoking, and be healthy, do well in school, choose a lucrative major…was me caring. I never want him to have to go through anything I’ve been through. It hurts me physically to think of him ever being in pain. If I have kids with him, I don’t want them to have to grow up like me; poor, hating themselves, wishing there was something better, or wishing they could just get up the courage to end it all. I thought that was me trying to look out for him. And being selfless for once in my incredibly flawed lifetime. But I guess not.
I’m on a “hunger strike” but I doubt anyone really cares. I feel sick anyway. I have no desire to eat or do anything. I wish my boyfriend, my mother, somebody would realize how hard I am trying. I’m still going to school, doing well, I’m functioning, living, even smiling sometimes. So everyone just assumes I’m alright. Even when I tell my boyfriend “I’m not okay. I feel really really sad and hopeless” he just hopes I feel better soon and says he has to go do something. Maybe I’m making a big deal of nothing. I just feel so lost. And so so alone. There’s nobody there, no one who understands it, and no one who might take the time to try.
a k r a s i a
